GUYS. Driving in Puerto Rico is NO JOKE.

This trip was a bit of a surprise, so I had about a week to figure out all travel arrangements. Since it's a four-day trip instead of the usual two or three, I realized pretty fast that I'd need a car to get around. Public transportation wasn't an option, and I'd be taking far too many taxi rides for that to be a financially viable option. And thus...a car.

Economy rental cars are my friend on business trips. This time, I have one of these guys:

SORTA. It's not actually that new, and it's not actually that clean. It also makes a funny buzzing noise that only economy rental cars can make when it's going faster than 10mph. Best of all, it has Eco mode, which basically means that its pickup is nonexistent.

All of that would be fine if I was driving around the back roads of any rural area. Who needs pickup when no one is on the road? No one, that's who. But in Puerto Rico? Let's just say that I don't have a picture of the traffic because I didn't trust myself to have my attention removed from the road even at a full stop.

I once naively thought Boston drivers were aggressive. My eyes have since been opened. Behold: some actual thoughts from my driving experience here:

"That stick-your-nose-into-oncoming-traffic-to-turn-left move I hate at home? Time to try it out!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?"

"I've literally used every trick in the book that I learned from driving in Boston!"

"I'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadie...."

"Seriously, what on EARTH makes you think that your 18-wheeler is going to fit between my bumper and the car three inches in front of me?!"

"I see that two-foot spot in the next lane and I CLAIM IT AS MY OWN."

If I make it out of this place without a dent in my rental car's bumper, will someone give me an award?

Woodstock Writings